Dreams - an essay

Dreams

 

I dreamt about you last night.

 

I don't really remember much of the dream, but that's pretty common as far as dreams go.

I just know you were there and it was definitely sexual.

I saw your face with my mind's eye, exquisitely detailed, so real it was real, at least for a little while.

I must have known I was dreaming because a terrible urgency gripped me, a need to stay with you and hold onto you for as long as I could before you disappeared.

 

I knew you'd disappear.

 

But just for a little while I had you all to myself and it was so good, so right.

Your lips touched my face, the soft hairs of your beard brushed my cheek.

Your deep voice filled my ears even though I don't remember what it was you said to me.

I woke to your scent surrounding me, the phantom press of your body against me, wishing dark hairs clung to my pillow.

 

I don't want to admit I miss you, but I do, terribly.

So badly that I can't think about you at all.

I've put you and all our memories away, locked them up tight in a dark cavern at the back of my mind.

I can't bear having them intrude into my life now.

I have to consider you lost to me, dead, or the anguish in my heart is too much to bear.

 

I remember our last conversation, the one where you divorced yourself from me and my needs.

My horrible anger is fresh as new snow with each recollection. 

You said there was nothing you could do.

The truth was there was nothing you were willing to do.

You chose to withdraw, and I'll hate you for that, hate you for being weak when I needed you to be strong, hate you until it stops hurting...

Hate you, hate you...

Hate you, hate you...

 

If you feel everything intensely, ultimately you feel nothing at all.

That was your fear for us.

I'd love you so hard and fast that I'd use up all the available love like it was some kind of fossil fuel in limited supply.

Now instead of years, months, weeks, or even just days of the purest, truest love, we have nothing.

 

I wonder if you ever think about me; if you ever miss the way I touched you.

In the quiet darkness I ponder whether you miss my voice or the scent of my skin.

Somehow, I am very sure you do not.

I offered you my soul and you gave me an orgasm.

Not a very fair trade from someone who once relished being my Personal Jesus.

 

I don't want to lay eyes on you again.

It would be best for my sanity if I did not.

So why, at night, when I have no control, am I flooded with visions of your face, sensations created by your body?

How is it possible you fight me even from inside my own skull?

 

I dreamt about you last night.

 

And you abandoned me again.

DUST & ASH CH 65 - Why My Readers Should Love My Delays

It's Monday, so all my readers will be expecting their weekly dose of Dust & Ash at some point today. I hate to disappoint them, but it's not going to happen and here's why.

Chapter 65, titled Broken Wings, is the chapter where Dustin and Tyler confront each other after eight long years of separation. More than that, though, that separation has included some pretty horrific events, culminating in Matt getting shot and losing a lung.

Originally when I wrote chapter 65 the entire thing took place in the mental ward at Western Psych, with a small scene between Dust and Ash afterward. It was heavy and high-handed, and when I went back and re-read it, I couldn't reconcile what happened after Dustin went to see Tyler in that facility with everything that went before. It wasn't logical and it didn't make sense. Now don't get me wrong. I know that a lot of time in real life, especially during moments of real stress, people don't make sense. They say some pretty stupid shit, actually, or are funny, or so poignant and heart-breaking you could weep in the men's room.

All that said, when I went back in my revision process and asked myself, "What can I do to make this chapter work better? What can I do to make the confrontation between Dustin and Tyler believable in the eyes of the reader?" The answer was pretty clear.

I needed to tell the real story of what happened that night so long ago between the two of them. Because really, at this point all we've heard is Favian, Ash's private investigator, report the story based on the info in the court papers. We've gotten some very skewed commentary on what happened from Dustin, fed by his never-ending and all-consuming guilt over what he did to the first male he ever loved. But we're never had a non-partisan, omniscient opinion of the actual events that transpired...

Because I've never told it.

Some astoundingly important things happened that night. When you think about it, so many peoples' lives hinge on the events of 10/31/02 that it's really imperative that the reader know the full truth and not just wonder throughout the rest of the series. And I'm not just talking about Dustin, Tyler, and Ash. I'm talking about Micah, Gregos, Matt & Star, Arden & Jazz, and characters the reader has heard about but never met in person, like Dustin's entire biological family. Even his old boyfriend Miroslav was effected by that night.

Because I've chosen to add this major event to the chapter... There was no way I could have it ready for posting today. I've just now gotten around to revising the newly rewritten part of the chapter and still need to do a final edit on it. Then my Beta reader gets it so she can find all the mistakes I read over. 65 will post next week. While I'm sorry for the delay, take the time to gird yourselves against what's coming, my fair, fine, and intrepid readers. My Valentine's treat to everybody: a story to break your hearts.

Baby, don't understand why we can't just hold onto each other's hands.
This time might be the last, I fear, unless I make it all so clear:
I need you so...

Baby, I think tonight we can take what was wrong and make it right.
Baby, it's all I know, that you're half of the flesh and blood that makes me whole.
I need you so...

See you next Monday! Dust & Ash at GayAuthors.org

Long Overdue Update

Yes, I live and breathe and return for 2014.

2013 was not a good year for me or my family. We faced a number of health and personal challenges that put a lot of strain on everyone. But you know what they say about adversity...

Yeah. I never liked that saying either.

Some good things did happen. I published two nifty books in October. Black Feather was co-written with Amber Marie, a lovely lady from across the ocean. Better After Death came out in time for Halloween.

If you're interested in buying either book they're for sale on Amazon. The links for interested parties are below. And by all means, if you purchase and read either one, please leave a review. I'd love to read your opinions. 

Black Feather
Black Feather at Amazon

Better After Death 
BAD at Amazon

Other than my two publications, more good stuff to go down in 2013... the spouse finally found a great job after 13 months of unemployment. I totally feel for the families who've been out of work for over a year. I can't imagine what you're going through if it's been more than two years.

I also fell in love - hard - with two of the most wonderful people. This is hard for anyone not involved or familiar with the poly scene to understand. That conversation goes kind of like this.

Me: So I met this really great couple.
Them: You're  *married* to a really great couple, aren't you?
Me: Uh, yeah. (pause) So about this couple I met...
Them: Did you leave your partners?
Me: (horrified) No!
Them: Do they know about this couple you're cheating with?
Me: Duh. Of course they know. And it's not cheating.
Them: So you're just what... Greedy?
Me: Yes. I am the greediest bitch in the world.

Then I walk away irritated and they walk away thinking I'm a real asshole. Not to mention a total sex fiend. Which is so far from the truth. I mean, it was one of this new pair who gave me the chicken pox that disabled me for most of the summer. Try being sexy when you're covered in itching, oozing pustules from head to toe. I'm still thinking about writing a story about two guys who fall in love while they're quarantined together, just based on that encounter.

Anyway, that was 2013.

It's now a new year and I've made some resolutions. I've returned to posting Dust & Ash, although I'm not killing myself to have a chapter up every week. Instead I'm concentrating on getting my other works published - specifically the Feywild Faerie Tales. I'm also trying to focus on writing more new material, so that means if the rewrites and edits of D&A have to wait a week to be perfect because my mind was on another story, I'm no longer staying up 24 or 30 hours to finish and post. I've promised myself I'm not going to compromise my health this year and that's a promise I'm keeping. I've got too many people in my life now ready to kick my heart-shaped ass if I misbehave.

The exciting thing is the number of new works I've dreamed up and started. I have enough irons in the fire now that I could comfortably write for the rest of this decade on the series I've started right now, and that excites me.

Another resolution of mine is to either find another blog that I'm more comfortable with technically, or to find a blog manager who can take over the aspects of this one that continue to elude me. I just can't figure out how to make this silly thing do what I want it to do. Truthfully, it'll be a freaking miracle if I get this post put up without it disappearing into that place blog posts go to die.

So that's my update. Sans any cute pictures or my book covers, because Blogger won't let me upload any pictures. URGH. I'm so angry about that. Maybe  if I get over on LiveJournal I'll be able to actually show you guys cool stuff. Not sure. If I transfer to a new blog I'll notify all my followers of where to find me.

Ciao, Bellas!

Tucker